How To Stay Alive During A Zombie Attack

First off, no one wants to die. Second, if you do die but notice you have somehow come back to life and have a strange hunger for human, then you probably are a zombie. Sad day for you. So, here is some advice for those who are worried about becoming a zombie.

If you have life insurance, check to see if your policy covers zombieism, and if so will your family be taken care of. Why would the need to be taken care of? Well, if you do die, your family has to pay for your funeral costs and everything only to have you rise from the dead, and probably destroying the beautiful casket that was picked out for you. Also, if you decide to quench your thirst of human blood by going to your significant other, chances are they will become a zombie. So, would your insurance cover relocation of your family to a zombie free zone? Or if you have kids, and both parents are zombies, the kids need to be covered in your policy as well.

For those who are wanting to stay alive during the apocalypse and don't want to die and come back as a zombie, here are some things you can do to help you stay alive. Run and or hide. If you know that your town or city has been infected, but the surrounding town is zombie free so far, you better be heading that way. Also, try and have a buddy. You can watch each other's backs and hopefully both of you never get bitten. If your partner does, end it quick. At some point or another you will probably have to kill a zombie that used to be one of your loved ones. Guess what, they are no longer that person, they are a zombie. Don't look into their eyes hoping that you will somehow find the person they used to be, that's how they get you.

When picking where you, your buddy, and possibly some other survivors will stay, pick a place that will have plenty of food, and not a lot of entrances. There are two things you need to do before settling in to your new abode for the next few months. You will want to find any zombies and kill them, and make sure they are deader than they were before. Also, block off all entrances and exits. You should board up glass as soon as possible, and then move on to the more secure entrances. Glass is an easy way for zombies to come in and enjoy a snack; the more secure areas may take time for zombies to figure out, so again, worry about glass first.

Now, if you do encounter a zombie and want to makes sure they are really down and out, the best way is to shoot their brains. This will normally kill them, so if you aren't sure, hit them twice and your should be good. If you run out of bullets and need to decapitate them, just be cautious, the head may still live and try to bite you. Oh, and speaking of biting, you may want to look for better skin protection then jeans and a t-shirt.

If you are wearing improper protection and are bitten, you are pretty much gone. You have a couple options now, not a lot, but a couple. You can ask your buddy or another survivor to kill you before you turn. This will prevent you from becoming a zombie. Another option is "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em." That pretty much says it all. If you don't want to have someone kill you before you turn, hopefully the fact that you were a social butterfly in life will help you as you mingle among the undead.

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Diary of a Country Zombie

Today is a clean, crisp beautiful fall day. The brilliant orange and scarlet leaves are hanging like apples against a singingly blue sky. Along the roadways, bales of hay are bound up and dotting the pastoral green hillsides like giant frosted mini-wheats as a crow sails silently overhead in the tremulous breeze. The scent of cider wafts my way from the press where the farmer and his sons are busy pressing apples they gathered from the ground. In every respect but one, it is a perfect day. The one lousy thing about today is that I haven't eaten anything in weeks.
My last meal was a hapless grocery store clerk who came out the back door of the giant retail food outlet to put the trash into the high-security dumpster. Luckily for me, he neglected to check the premises first, and as he leaned in to wrestle the lock on the boat-sized trash trailer and deposit the day's half-stale bakery items, I nabbed him from behind. I only had to "chase" him for a few feet, since he kept falling and staring up at me with that woebegone sort of admiration my future meals often give. The odd thing is, I don't think he even knew I was a zombie. He kept saying "paper or plastic, paper or plastic." I think I may need to jazz up my attire.
I am a country zombie, and too bad for me, but country zombies don't often get to the city. Sure, we can take relaxing walks around the lake, engage in an evening of fishing, loll about in the sun and count birds and what not, smelling the gently billowing winds and picking flowers, but who thinks that's important when there isn't anything to put into the old gullet? Here I am, marooned in this putrid barnyard like a scarecrow stuck in a field of mud. I can only get to town when The Farm Guy doesn't notice me sliding into the back of his produce truck. If he catches me, its pretty much a no-win situation, cuz he holds up that terrible silver cross thing and tries to make me look at it.
It's not like I don't try. I leave voice mails; I put a signature line on my emails; but none of these things actually help me to secure a place at the table. All I want is to "get a head." Is that so much to ask? I even practice conservation. Only humanoids who stumble when they try to run away are selected for consumption. But the problem is, even when I do get to town, my zombie attire isn't the best. I admit it. As I said, that last guy didn't even know I was a zombie. In between "paper or plastic, paper or plastic," he kept saying "You'll have to go around front, Ma'am." I guess I just don't look zombie-like enough. But it's hard to get blood-stained panty hose and artificial stick-on cuts and wounds when you live ten miles from anywhere without web service. So here I am, sitting here in this ramshackle shed, wishing I were out on the town right now. I should have stopped in at the Zombie Costume Warehouse on my last trip to town and accessorized or gotten some new makeup. Oh well, there's always next time.
The author is a well-known zombie fan who has helped thousands of humanoids to appreciate zombie humor and even find their own voice as a zombie. For more zombie fun and to see a hilarious, award-winning film short and tips on zombie costume ideas, visit the Zombie Costume Warehouse and make sure YOU are ready to be a good zombie this Halloween.

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