Are YOU Doing the Laughing or IS The Laughing Doing YOU?

Humor is taken so seriously today! Have you noticed that it is getting to be difficult to even be ALLOWED to laugh today? People will judge you when you laugh, they are the "laughter police"! They will check to see if you laughed in a politically correct way, and if you laughed at a politically correct joke! The "laughter police" have been "deputized" by donuts!
Just try to make a motion now, in public, just try raising an eyebrow, let alone laugh, and you may be subjected to the Botox fine: you will subliminally receive a message to go directly, (do not pass go, and do not collect $200.00) to (Botox) jail, so that instead of being able to raise that eyebrow that may POTENTIALLY HURT someone's feelings, you will be unable to do so! If you so much as DARE to cough, or clear your throat in an elevator, or bus, or even in a car with others, or in a taxicab, you will be subjected to the punishment of a scornful scowl and be treated like the "terrorist" you are!
If you DARE to say ANYTHING AT ALL, even if you mention something unexpected, or unpredicted about the weather, then you are causing the listener of "your" weather report to become UNHINGED and you will be made sorry, because THAT IS A PROVOCATION! For how dare you make someone have to deal with anything but what is masterfully PREDICTED on the news! The media knows all! The media show us how to act, how to dress for the weather.
The media shows and models for us how to only speak about what is predictable! The media knows how IMPORTANT it is that we must all GET what we expect from the news, instead of any shocks! Why, if the news told us anything we don't know already, it might cause us to actually react, thus making us UNCOMFORTABLE, and any shock might make us have to FEEL something! This would never do, because we MUST all remain in our NUMB-NUMB comfort zones, or else we may even show some EXPRESSION and then we will have to get our Botox injections sooner, and that will throw off our scheduling, and the kids' play dates, and soccer practices, and this just cannot happen, because meal plans will have to be switched and all!
Speaking of meals, that reminds me, I used to be a vegetarian. Now when I enjoy a pastrami sandwich from one of the Jewish Delis, (after all IS it pastrami if is from anywhere other than a real Jewish deli?) I cry! I cry because I feel so bad ENJOYING the meat, but I cry also because I know that the meat is getting even with me for demanding meat be supplied. I know, instinctively, intuitively, that while I am eating the meat, the meat may be "eating" me back. Pay back time!

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It's A Blurb! It's A Blame! It's Super Committee!

It was August, it was hot as heck, and the situation was dire. The president needed his credit limit increased in time for the holidays, or the world would be destroyed! So he took the sort of drastic action only a career politician with vast experience in community organizing could take: he appointed a committee. But not just any committee, no! A Super Committee!
Charged with fixing everything by Thanksgiving, the Super Friends gathered around a table at a top-secret location... cartoon heroes on one side, cartoon villains on the other. Rhino, whose super power is agreeing with his arch-enemies and who therefore sat at the chair in the middle, spoke first. "You're right, Joker," he said. "We have to yank those taxes up nice and high! Especially on those millionaires and billionaires who somehow manage to make $200K!"
"You can't do that," said arch-villain Captain America. "Those are business owners. They're the only hope we have for investment and employment and recovery of the global economy."
Everyone just stared at the Captain, and finally, the Super Demediacrat coalition got up and left the room. "You get that guy?" Two-Face said, rolling his eyes as they huffed out. "Private sector. Sheesh."
Once they all settled in at their new top-secret location, Lex Luther (the super brain behind the coalition) spoke quietly over tented fingers. "This is the deal," he said. "There will be no deal."
After an awed hush, Rhino dared speak. "But Mr. Luther, if we don't make a deal by Thanksgiving, we have to, like, sell the navy!"
Luther just smiled.
"Wait," said the Red Menace, "that's brilliant! We sell the navy to China - they need one - and then we hire a bazillion government workers to build us a new one! Bigger government, the illusion of employment, happy China... all problems solved!"
"But what about the $600 billion that'll come out of entitlementses, Precious?" asked Gollum. "Not gonna happen!" everyone yelled in unison. "If we have to, we'll just sell the air force, too," said The Green Boondoggle. "I bet that'll fetch a pretty penny." "But who can we find who needs a modern, stealthy air force and has that kind of money?" Rhino asked.
Luther just smiled.
"Iran?" suggested Menace. Everyone agreed that Iran, or their friends, could use a modern air force and could afford to buy one. There was much rejoicing.
And that's how the president and his Super Friends saved the day and made the world safe for socialism. Now, drink your soy milk and go back to sleep, little voters. Don't have nightmares about freedom and private prosperity... those monsters were slain three years ago.
Only The Voters Can Save The World Now
by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
Michael Hume is a speaker, writer, and consultant specializing in helping people maximize their potential and enjoy inspiring lives. As part of his inspirational leadership mission, he coaches executives and leaders in growing their personal sense of well-being through wealth creation and management, along with personal vitality.
Michael and his wife, Kathryn, divide their time between homes in California and Colorado. They are very proud of their offspring, who grew up to include a homemaker, a rock star, a service talent, and a television expert. Two grandchildren also warm their hearts! Visit Michael's web site at http://michaelhume.net/

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Diary of a Country Zombie

Today is a clean, crisp beautiful fall day. The brilliant orange and scarlet leaves are hanging like apples against a singingly blue sky. Along the roadways, bales of hay are bound up and dotting the pastoral green hillsides like giant frosted mini-wheats as a crow sails silently overhead in the tremulous breeze. The scent of cider wafts my way from the press where the farmer and his sons are busy pressing apples they gathered from the ground. In every respect but one, it is a perfect day. The one lousy thing about today is that I haven't eaten anything in weeks.
My last meal was a hapless grocery store clerk who came out the back door of the giant retail food outlet to put the trash into the high-security dumpster. Luckily for me, he neglected to check the premises first, and as he leaned in to wrestle the lock on the boat-sized trash trailer and deposit the day's half-stale bakery items, I nabbed him from behind. I only had to "chase" him for a few feet, since he kept falling and staring up at me with that woebegone sort of admiration my future meals often give. The odd thing is, I don't think he even knew I was a zombie. He kept saying "paper or plastic, paper or plastic." I think I may need to jazz up my attire.
I am a country zombie, and too bad for me, but country zombies don't often get to the city. Sure, we can take relaxing walks around the lake, engage in an evening of fishing, loll about in the sun and count birds and what not, smelling the gently billowing winds and picking flowers, but who thinks that's important when there isn't anything to put into the old gullet? Here I am, marooned in this putrid barnyard like a scarecrow stuck in a field of mud. I can only get to town when The Farm Guy doesn't notice me sliding into the back of his produce truck. If he catches me, its pretty much a no-win situation, cuz he holds up that terrible silver cross thing and tries to make me look at it.
It's not like I don't try. I leave voice mails; I put a signature line on my emails; but none of these things actually help me to secure a place at the table. All I want is to "get a head." Is that so much to ask? I even practice conservation. Only humanoids who stumble when they try to run away are selected for consumption. But the problem is, even when I do get to town, my zombie attire isn't the best. I admit it. As I said, that last guy didn't even know I was a zombie. In between "paper or plastic, paper or plastic," he kept saying "You'll have to go around front, Ma'am." I guess I just don't look zombie-like enough. But it's hard to get blood-stained panty hose and artificial stick-on cuts and wounds when you live ten miles from anywhere without web service. So here I am, sitting here in this ramshackle shed, wishing I were out on the town right now. I should have stopped in at the Zombie Costume Warehouse on my last trip to town and accessorized or gotten some new makeup. Oh well, there's always next time.
The author is a well-known zombie fan who has helped thousands of humanoids to appreciate zombie humor and even find their own voice as a zombie. For more zombie fun and to see a hilarious, award-winning film short and tips on zombie costume ideas, visit the Zombie Costume Warehouse and make sure YOU are ready to be a good zombie this Halloween.

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It Wasn't the Butler - Don't Tell!

DON'T tell, don't tell, don't tell. An urgent voice (perhaps the butler) forbids me whenever I want to write about favourite villains. You see, all my best-loved baddies are in whodunits. Describing them would spoil everything for some reader who is midway through the book.
Okay, so the fiends remain incognito, but there is no barrier to mentioning location, or what one might term 'the butchers block'. The place of the grisly doing can be as compelling as the doer. The locale sells books also. While romance may waft a reader to Venice, Paris or Rome, the whodunit lurks in more innocent places. Often, a peaceful scenario contrasts dramatically with the dastardly bloodletting, a formula begun by Agatha Christie and still widely popular.
American writers seem to ignore this element of the chiller. They do most of their killings in the city where, let's face it, most real murders actually occur. It is a handy marketing device, too, because readers drool over tales disrupting their familiar daily pattern, and there are more readers in cities than anywhere else. A notable exception to the city crime scene is Jonathon King. He prefers the primeval Everglades (Blue Edge of Midnight series).
The English like their mayhem in a friendly village where, in the words of Ann Morven, "evil will out, no matter the why or the what or the when or the where. Or the who." Sherlock Holmes said something similar when investigating a big-house mystery: "Dear old homesteads always fill me with horror."
A nasty in the placid village of Maggots Wallop comes close to ending Ann Morven's bumbling sleuth (The Killing of Hamlet). But all's well that ends well, as Shakespeare would say. Yes, the Bard's in this whodunit too, but being 400 years dead removes him from suspicion. How about a creepy old castle? Instant suspense! Ann Morven's butler is a sinister cliche in The Seventh Petal, set in the Scottish Highlands. The secret baddy couldn't possibly be him. Or could it? Don't tell, don't tell!
A Sussex market town accommodates Ruth Rendell's detective, Inspector Wexford. Sharing this preference for the rural scene are Anthea Fraser and Gerald Hammond, but the other Fraser, Antonia, places crime-buster Jemima Shore in London.
Historical locations boast a big following. There's no end to the appeal of the ancients, whether in Egypt, Rome or Greece and, of course, in the British Isles or particular parts of the realm. The historical research introduces intriguing detail and often an unusual motive for murder. A few authors in this specialist genre whose names leap to mind: Paul Doherty, Ellis Peters, Robert Gulik, Bernard Knigtht, Edward Marston, Kate Kingsbury, Christian Jacq, Alanna Knight... there are so many! The best listing I could find is at Gaslight Books.
Perhaps a crime fiction coup, serving both marketing and place appeal, is the gentrified world of Jane Austen as borrowed by author PD James. Death Comes to Pemberley revisits Darcy and Elizabeth six years after their marriage. And whodunit? Don't tell, don't tell!
Going by the above authors, and twisting the well-known real estate boast, I'd reckon that location is only almost everything. The villain beats all, yet remains in the shadows. Don't tell.
Happy reading! from Cathy.
by Cathy Macleod at Booktaste
Cathy Macleod is an independent literary critic whose weekly Booktaste blog brings news, views and reviews. Her url is http://www.booktaste.com/
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Top 10 Overused Expressions

Since I like to write, the value of a well chosen word or phrase is not lost on me. But lately I have noticed some common phrases that once sounded fresh and interesting have become tired and annoying from overuse. Therefore before the year 2011 comes to an end I am officially releasing my list of:TOP TEN EXPRESSIONS THAT SHOULD CLOSE THEIR EYES ON THIS WORLD FOREVER
Number Ten
Ask-Question-Make-Assumed-Statement
I have never understood this type of crystal ball questioning. The query assumes an affirmative answer. Personally, there have been many times I really DO NOT want whatever is being offered to me. "You want Land Mines? We got Land Mines!" or "You want to swim with Candiru? Oh, I'll show you Candiru!" and "You want Ebola? I'll give you Ebola!" (substitute with AIDS, Bubonic Plague, or Meningitis as needed). If you ask me a question at least give me a five second grace period so I can say no and run like, like...well, run as fast as I can.
Number Nine
"Just let it marinate for awhile"
I suppose we should blame Will Smith for this one. While holding down a large, sweaty and hyperventilating Kevin James in the movie Hitch, Will Smith used this phrase to encourage a moment of reflection. But truthfully, he's the only one who is suave enough to use this expression and get away with it. More than likely Will Smith never says this in real life. He's too busy saying things like,"I ain't heard no fat lady!" and "Tha's what I'm talkin' 'bout." Letting something marinate should once again be relegated to soaking a piece of chicken in lemon, oil and garlic.
Number Eight
"We need to marry these two ideas"
This first time I heard this I thought it as an interesting way to think about bringing two opposing or different thoughts together. But the more I thought about it, the more I found issues with this particular idea. Any good marriage does have its share of compromising, but there are also some things that just do not lend themselves to flexibility. In addition, I have seen many married couples that do everything BUT compromise---for the most part living nearly separate lives. Given the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, I am not sure the idea of marrying two ideas is a good one.
Number Seven
"Oh I went there"
This is one of those phrases that started on Jerry Springer and quickly spread in use to Soccer Moms all over America. They use it when they need to explain the use of obscenities toward the referee who removed little Johnny for roughness. "Sherri, I can't believe you actually said that." To which a now-transformed-Mrs. Cleaver snaps her fingers, bobs her head back and forth and says, "Oh, I WENT there!" I have no clue where she just went, but I beseech her, beg her and implore her to stop going there and above all desist from mimicking the idiots she spends all afternoon watching on TV. (To find out where she went, see Number Five)
Number Six
"Oh no he di nt!"
Note the lack of apostrophe after the letter d. This reflects the correct pronunciation and abbreviation of the words, "Oh no he did not." This is an alternate response a Soccer Mom could use in the aforementioned situation. For instance if she doesn't quite feel brave enough to actually go there but still wanted to show proper indignation at the incorrect call on little Johnny. Oh no he di nt must be accompanied by the mandatory head bob in addition to waving the index finger back and forth.
Number Five
"She was there for me" and "Been there done that"
Both of these are very similar because they refer to a "there" that is undefined. Being "there" for someone seems to be a colossal sign of support. No matter that this requires absolutely nothing from the person who is doing the "there-ing." For example: Phone rings---"I can't believe it! He just broke up with me! What am I going to do?" To which her bosom friend answers, "Don't worry girl, I'm there for you." This is huge. Being there for someone relieves you of any further responsibility. To complicate this matter further, a person who is there for someone, can also become tired of being so supportive and exclaim, "I'm tired a' all that! I was there for her but I just can't do that no more. Been there done that!" So the relationship between the "there" in the two statements are somehow interconnected. It sounds like the people who were there for someone and those who have been there and done that and even those who went there have all been living in the very same place---The Land of There.
Number Four
"Think out of the Box"
This saying surfaced as a result of an argument in a UPS shipping hub during the pre Christmas rush. There were three UPS workers feverishly working to pack and ship the allotment of packages for the day. One of the workers came upon a set of skis that needed to be sent across country, and became frustrated because there was no box big enough to fit.
"How am I gonna get these skis in a box?"
How 'bout cutting two boxes and puttin'em together?"
"You crazy? That'll never work."
"How 'bout putting them in this box here and whatever doesn't fit, we can just wrap in bubble wrap?"
"No, man! Think outa the box! Think outa the box!"
DING! And the saying was born. It was good for awhile and even pithy. It also assumes the user has the ability to think inside the box, which is often not the case. But it quickly lost its charm from overuse. To remedy this situation, we should just get rid of all of the boxes. How shall we eat the Chinese food? Think out of the box. Where can I find something to blow my nose with? Think out of the box. Where will the department store put all the shoes? Think out of the box.
Number Three
"What's he bringing to the table/party?"
I am positive I personally started this, but I was actually talking about food when I said it. I often go to parties that feature a potluck dinner. I'm always amazed at the direct correlation between those that eat the most and those that bring a chipped salad plate containing a few thin slices of a shiny cheese and a sleeve of saltines to share with a group of about 30. This usually prompts me to elbow a friend and whisper, "Hey! What did he bring to the party?" On one occasion the guest who had brought the pathetic cheesefood and crackers, overheard me and started using my remark to rate the unworthiness of potential dates, lazy colleagues, batty aunts and slick deal makers. Since gaining popularity, this question is usually asked by the person who is the least qualified or talented and therefore employs this expression in order to camouflage their own failures.
Number Two
"Let's make sure everyone is on the same page"
This annoys me on just the pure principle of forming an analogy to an object that most people don't even touch-given that one in four Americans have read NO books in the past year. The idea of an actual page is foreign to most people since they spend most of their time in mindless time-wasters like texting, facebook, video games, or watching the latest screaming match between snooki and whoever she fights with on that silly show (and no, I don't think she deserves a capital s for her fake name). Besides, a book is a hallowed object and I take great offense in using any part of it to relate to people who are too obtuse to understand the value of the printed page. Why not change this expression to "Let's make sure we are all on the same web-page?" I could live with that.
And Number One?
"Wait for it..."
Argh! Why should I wait for it? Not only do I have to listen to what is most likely a boring story, (because if it was interesting I wouldn't need to be told to wait for it, I would be doing just that) but now you want me to wait while you take a pregnant and dramatic pause. This leads me to believe what is going to follow is going to shake the world from its axis or at the very least I will be treated to the equivalent of the next I have a Dream speech. But no, it's some horribly trivial story of how first grader Kelly is, wait for it...an honor student! or how cute the baby looks when he spits up, wait for it...organic carrots! If you must use this weary expression then at least use it before saying something life changing as in, "No thanks I don't need a wedding favor instead, wait for it...I'm going to have to take your kidney" or anything at all to do with PETA and then, wait for it..."The world is ending."
Using original expressions and words to voice emotions is quickly becoming a lost art. I think my 92 year old father said it best. We were chatting about the woeful lack of variety in common everyday speech and the inability of people to express themselves. He summed it up nicely, "They're trapped--either in the bedroom or the bathroom."

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Mobile Manners!

Mankind has found some meaning for itself in this endless universe by acquiring an existentially potent entity called the mobiles or cell phones. The 'mobile' partnership has become so crucial that it's time enough to try defining some 'manners' that should essentially be an integral part.All of you may of course love your mobiles with varying degrees of emotion leading to the oft observed phenomenon of obsession. So, this partnership is potentially fraught with grave dangers particularly since your mobile cannot reflect its emotions in equal measure. You must measure up its emotions so that you do not land up in situations that embarrass you and harass others. Based on that, mobile manners must be evolved. But, the partnership dangers must be spelled out first.
Shrieking: You are in the midst of an important meeting and suddenly your mobile starts shrieking and screeching. While you are right in calling this noise a ring tone you paid for others are equally right in calling it disturbance. Suddenness of the moment makes you paralyzed and you watch your partner go on full throttle helplessly.
Indiscriminate: You may be attending a classical music concert or even a movie where you did not think it proper to follow the specific instructions of the organizers thanks to the strategic importance of your partnership. Suddenly your partner bursts out and you truly deserve all those angry disconcerted looks you instantly get. Even if you followed the 'silent' instructions you wanted to record some part of the proceedings too and you inadvertently hit upon a sound file that rudely opened up and made you hopelessly unable to do anything about it. You became the cream of attention with even the theater attendants running towards you to help you out.
Intemperate: You are in an august gathering or let us take the example of an elderly lady attending a funeral or discussions about holding a meet in honor of the deceased. A crackle of a baby's laughter breaks out-unimaginable and unstoppable. To her horror the elderly lady discovers that it's her mobile only. The august audience looks aghast. The elderly lady may grin foolishly and put the blame on her grandchildren for tampering with her partner, but the damage is done.
These few illustrative cases are from the point of view of your partner. Good mobile manners here imply your absolute control and supervision on your partner.
Now, let us examine a few cases from your point of view.
Howling: You may be standing or sitting next to any individual or groups in any kind of public place and you suddenly start howling to your partner forgetting that you are not making a long distance call from a dilapidated land line set. You are likely to get instant stares looks and gesticulations.
Lovemaking: If you indulge in caressing fondling and kissing acts with your partner in public domain you instantly offend the other holy partnerships. You become an object of ridicule and anger.
Infidelity: Even after being immensely satisfied with your partnership you may demonstrate suspect attention on other partnerships. Without being solicited you take over someone's partner and start fiddling with it. When someone asks for your expert advice on a complex issue of his/her partnership you may do much more than what is asked for. The obvious result is disgust or your friend turning into an enemy.
In these few cases you are the supreme commander and you can evolve your good mobile manners pretty quickly.
Have a flourishing partnership!
Chinmay Chakravarty is a professional specialized in the creative field with over two decades of experience in journalistic writing, media co-ordination, film script writing, film dubbing, film & video making, management of international film festivals and editing of books & journals. Proficient in providing professional services in these related fields. Presently working in Mumbai Doordarshan as a News Editor.
http://ours-funarena.blogspot.com/
http://www.linkedin.com/in/createnwrite

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Solving Riddles Can Be Fun and Excruciating All At The Same Time

Have you ever tried to sit down and figure something out, but could never quite come up with the correct answer? You knew that you were close, after all, it was right on the tip of your tongue, but you just could never get it out. If you can relate to that, then you should be able to fully understand what it is like trying to solve tricky riddles.These brain teasers can have you totally baffled one minute thinking about starting to pull your hair out. Then just a few moments later, you finally come up with the answer, and you are jumping for joy with excitement. When this happens, all you can think about doing is trying some of the more harder riddles, which will twist your mind all over the place.
If you have never worked on them before, but you would like to start, it might be a good idea to begin by working on easy riddles. They are much simpler than the hard ones, but for a novice in this highly competitive field, you will find them more than challenging enough.
The key to solving them, and coming up with the right riddle answers all of the time, is slowing down. You did read that correctly, you need to slow down everything that you do. The first thing you need to slow down is your reading. To solve riddles you need to read each and every word in them extremely carefully.
Then, you need to ask yourself the following question, "Why did the writer use each word in the riddle". After all, there are more than likely many other words that they could of used in each word's place, but they chose not to. Only when you can totally understand this concept at the highest level, will you truly become a first class riddle solver.
When you first start out, more than likely you will never be able to come up with even one correct answer. This is exactly the point where most people just give up and quit. However, to the millions of people that participate in this activity each and every day, they just knew that they could not stop, and had to figure out a way to start getting the correct answers very quickly.
Solving riddles is an excellent activity for almost any age group. For children, it helps to teach them problem solving skills, and the ability to do deductive reasoning. For the elderly, it makes them think about things very deeply, and keeps their minds sharp. For the rest of us, it is just fun to do, and it never gets any better than when you come up with an answer to a really, but really difficult riddle faster than you ever have before in your life.
If you have never tried solving riddles, but enjoy other activities like this, such as doing crossword puzzles, you should really get pleasure from it. There are many websites that you can use to help perfect your skills, while having the time of your life simultaneously.
Are the Riddles you're used to solving a little too easy for you? If so, I suggest you check out our newer and harder Riddle List online at iRiddles.org, where they are much harder.

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