Oxymoron: Politically Correct Sense of Humor

A certain politically incorrect comedian begins getting a lot of attention, because this comedian starts sharing funny, politically incorrect opinions. This comedian begins the process of getting everyone to be aware that EVERYONE was fair game to be made fun of regardless of their "protected" class, power, fame, or money! Starting slowly, the trend began to develop. Everyone began to want to enjoy having opinions and laughing at everyone else like the politically incorrect comedian did.Everyone began to see that having politically incorrect opinions and laughing at how seriously everyone took everything, was worth more than all the money, fame, and power in the entire world. Having opinions that involved laughing at everything that was politically incorrect could make you so healthy, too! Politically incorrect comedy and having your own politically incorrect opinions could even make you enjoy your food and beverages so much that the need for drugs, sleep and even sex was reduced because people could now have QUALITY food, sleep, and sex experiences instead of QUANTITY food, sleep, and sex experiences!
In the fall of 2011, the world's pharmaceutical companies, the medical establishment and the military industrial complexes and the corporations, etc., saw the risk that this new trend had for the status quo and they all got together with their powerful lobbyists to influence politicians and so the WORLD HUMOR OPINION ADMINISTRATION (WHOA) was secretly formed. WHOA would determine strategies to use to prevent that comedian and others that were politically incorrect from remaining free to do politically incorrect humor. WHOA had a mission to prevent that comedy from influencing others. WHOA wanted to prevent people from becoming inconveniently funny and thus intractable, otherwise people might opt out of "getting with the program", they might also opt out of "getting in line," consuming, etc., and "horrors of horrors", they might even become free!
WHOA began investigating all politically incorrect comedians. WHOA learned comedians really "took off" being politically incorrect as a result of hearing about a certain teacher who was about to be fired because she had used Facebook to state an OPINION!. It became clear to these comedians when anyone could be demonized for their opinion, then there was little, if anything to lose, so the comedians started doing politically incorrect comedy.
Due to this politically incorrect comedy, it became clear to the WORLD HUMOR OPINION ADMINISTRATION that just squelching opinions was insufficient, because opinions, if they were allowed to emerge, might be a source for HUMOR. For, it was discovered, that just with an opinion, anyone's opinion, a comedian could turn the opinion around, therefore UPSETTING THE ENTIRE WORLD! So naturally, to save the world from this new CURSE, namely politically incorrect comedy, all opinions AND all comedy had to be squelched, and the HUMOR OPINION POLICE, under the direction of the 2012 WORLD HUMOR OPINION ADMINISTRATION, had to shut down ALL comedy and all opinion EVERYWHERE.
Just before midnight on December 31, 2011, suspecting what might occur coinciding with the APOCAPLYTIC Mayan 2012 date, alternative comics and the few who still had their opinions instead of their opinions having them, and those few who still had their sense of humor intact were gathered by the ghost of Groucho Marx. They were somewhere in Alabama, near (where the) Tusksaloosa; they huddled deciding their strategy to re-introduce comedy and opinion back to the world.
They decided to begin with determining that humor and owning ones opinion is relative instead of absolute, and thus can only be relatively, instead of absolutely, "owned". Similarly, they considered that even owning ones own personality is also a relative idea, because hardly anyone "has" their own personality, because most of us are illusions to ourselves, and so personality "owns" us. They determined that the idea of "owning" anything is an illusion, ("the owning illusion") and that owning anything is the funniest subject of all humor everywhere, and for all time and in all space, too!. They determined that even humor and opinion are illusions and that humor and opinion, as illusions, must be relative, and merely relatively funny! ABSOLUTE HUMOR, they determined, can exist only if and when the humor makes you laugh and cry simultaneously. They decided that is EXACTLY what the world needs, as they all proceeded to laugh and cry hysterically!
B. Todish can be reached at btodish@verizon.net

View the original article here

\

Read More...

Ugly Christmas Sweater Shopping - On the Hunt

If you are wondering how to, "Dress like it's 1994 AND party in THE PRESENT" then you have come to the right place. More specifically, we will show you how to dress like a present, or at least how to pull off an Ugly Christmas Sweater while remaining that suave guy/girl that you act like at parties. As with any daring fashion decision, confidence is key! But first, you must find that fantastic sweater!To secure the perfect party sweater is no small feat. Where are the gems hiding you ask? In closets, in thrift stores, online and, possibly, in your own closet...
Guide to Snagging
Well, mom or grandma's closet is one place to look. The trick here is to flatter and not offend. If your mother and/or grandmother is not particularly fashion-forward, be sure not to ask for an "ugly sweater" to borrow. Ask for something cute and Christmasy and you will likely find exactly what you need!
Guide to Online Shopping
Sometimes the easiest, quickest, most fun way to shop is online in the comfort of your own home! You can surf in your snuggie and find some of the MOST HILARIOUS sweaters in the whole wide world right on the worldwide web.
Guide to Secondhand Shopping
If you are not a seasoned professional bargin-hunter, prepare for an adventure into a whole new realm of retail. A crazy concoction of the good, the bad, the ugly and a whole lotta WTF? Thrift stores are notoriously riddled with old junk, but amid the jam-packed junk racks you might just find a diamond in the rough. The thrill of the chase is exciting for seasoned professionals, but can be overwhelming for newbies.
Helpful Hints: Go to the Christmas/Seasonal/Holiday Section. Every thrift store will have one at least a month prior to Xmas. This is where everything festive they've saved up for the past 12 months is proudly displayed. It often saves you a lot of digging around!
If you are concerned about money, honey, just go where the deals are! Often, thrift stores have sales, coups to clip, dealios, half-price days, and, on occasion, "all the crap you can stuff in a paper bag" sales. So be on the lookout for the supa-sales.
Sometimes these shops can get picked over. So go early, go often and try to hit up a few dingier hole-in-the-wall shops. That's where the treasure hides! Trust me, I'm a seasoned professional.
Martha McCarthy is an entrepreneur and digital marketing expert. She is the founder and president of The Social Lights, a digital marketing agency based in Minneapolis, MN. She is also the co-founder and CEO of http://www.uglyxmasparty.com/ a site she founded with her brother in 2008.
Martha enjoys bringing brands to life online through storytelling. She uses multimedia platforms and infuses audio, video, graphics and highly compelling content. To see her work visit: http://about.me/MarthaMcCarthy

View the original article here

Read More...

Top Ten Signs You're As Intelligent As David Letterman

10 - S&P downgraded your IQ.9 - You just got a brain scan and the machine said, "Please deposit some sense for the next 55 years."
8 - You blame George W. Bush for everything from the U.S. economy to hurricane Irene to the Japanese Tsunami to your receding hair line.
7 - You developed a gap between your teeth by speaking from both sides of your mouth.
6 - When Barack Obama said he campaigned in 57 States, you said, "If he had started earlier, he could've covered all 60."
5 - You supported candidate Barack Obama for president because you figured a guy who has experience in absolutely nothing and is so clueless that he thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet -- hey, it's almost like you have a twin brother.
4 - You hate Sarah Palin because she's proven herself to be a smart women who can be governor of a State and write books. You, on the other hand, have proven that with nothing else but dumb luck, any monkey on a rock can run a dog and pony show.
3 - You supported presidential candidate Barack Obama because you figured he cannot possibly repeat all the mistakes the last president made in eight years. And you were right. He did it in one year.
2 - When Barack Obama said, "On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today... " you said, "What a president! Even our fallen heroes come to hear him speak!"
1 - S&P just downgraded your IQ again. It's now so low you're even starting to look like David Letterman.
In all seriousness, I tried to find something nice to say about tooth-gap Dave. But fiction was never my forte.
For sound advise on who is or is not a good political candidate, entertainers should be the last people to rely on. Barack Obama is one excellent example of how misled the public can get by false impressions perpetuated by public figures who rely more on image than experience and accomplishments.
To now have little to say about the complete and utter failure of the Barack Obama presidency, yet still talk about the "failures" of George W. Bush, and the imagined "incompetence" of a brilliant and vibrant person like Sarah Palin, shows the great disconnect some entertainers have with honesty and reality.

View the original article here

Read More...

Movie Star Maps

Since movie stars have moved into the big mansions of Beverly Hills and Bel-Air, vendors have sold maps of their homes with varying accuracy. Although most stars resent unwanted intrusions of fans, many take it with good humor. Sitting in his swimming pool, Oliver Hardy would welcome fans who climbed over his fence. "Hey, how about a dip?" In the earliest days, Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks would drive up next to people with star maps and ask them for directions. And more recently, television producer Aaron Spelling would come out and pitch show ideas to tourists.Sometimes the famous have special relationships with their fans at their houses. Before he became an ultra recluse, Elvis Presley loved taking his Memphis relatives on tours of the star's homes. The singer who was in no way hypocritical, once shocked his date Natalie Wood by taking time to chat with fans who had blocked his driveway, after they moved out of the way to let him park. Jack Benny and George Burns, who like Ozzy Osbourne gave out their addresses on their TV shows, used to instruct their maids to give out autograph pictures to fans who knocked. If Benny and Burns answered the door themselves you might get invited in for lemonade. And Doris Day's love of homeless animals brought unexpected baggage after she sold her home. For several years after the new owners posted a sign that said, "Please do not leave your small dogs and cats, Miss Day has moved!"
Many celebrities simply tire of the fan attention. Paul Newman and Joann Woodward put their Beverly Hills house on sale after they found out it was on the star maps. Pop star Prince threw rocks at passing tour buses. Sara Michelle Gellar threatened to one up him and shoot their tires out. Ozzy Osbourne, famous for calling the police on to chase off lookyloos away from his Beverly Hills property, one day answered the door to greet some teenagers. "Come on in, Kelly's upstairs." "Great, he wants us to meet his daughter." The light bulb of recognition lit up in Ozzy's brain. "Wait a minute, who are you?" "We're just some kids who found your house on the star map." Ozzy swore, threatened to get the dogs and chased them off.
With all their complaints of loss of privacy the stars often use the maps themselves. Anthony Hopkins idolized the late Humphrey Bogart and had to see his house. The reclusive Woody Allen had to meet Jack Benny and parked in front of the comedian's house for hours to get a quick greeting. After creating headlines by making an obscene gesture to the paparazzi in Mexico, Britney Spears returned home and bought a map to the stars homes and went on a tour with her girlfriends. When they found Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's house in Beverly Hills the tiny Britney Spears stood on the car hood to peak over her hedges and almost fell off and hurt herself. And once, actor Lee Marvin was so drunk he couldn't find his house, so he pulled over and bought a star map to locate it. Unfortunately, it was newly built and not on the map yet!
Author Stephen Schochet is a professional tour guide in Hollywood who years ago began collecting little known, humorous anecdotes to tell to his customers. His new book Hollywood Stories: Short, Entertaining Anecdotes About the Stars and Legends of the Movies! The book contains a timeless treasure trove of colorful vignettes featuring an amazing all-star cast of icons including John Wayne, Charlie Chaplin, Walt Disney, Jack Nicholson, Johnny Depp, Shirley Temple, Marilyn Monroe, Marlon Brando, Errol Flynn, and many others both past and contemporary. Tim Sika, host of the radio show Celluloid Dreams on KSJS in San Jose has called Stephen, "The best storyteller about Hollywood we have ever heard." Available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon, or wherever books are sold. For more information go to http://www.hollywoodstories.com/

View the original article here

Read More...

The Rigger and the Greenhorn

My name is Les McMillan, and I would now be considered an 'old-time' logger. Many years ago, I was a greenhorn, a real babe- in- the- woods. It was at a logging camp at Kelsey Bay, Vancouver Island. I was not a complete greenhorn, for I had worked as a whistlepunk for a few months (see my 'Whistlepunk' story for more on that). The boss sent me to join the 'Bull-gang', a rag-tag assortment of greenhorns whose job was doing all the mindless jobs that regular loggers wouldn't stoop to doing. We were to coil up lines, move machines, rig spar trees, raise spar trees, string lines out to the back end, you name it.The boss of the Bullgang was the 'rigger', and his name was Bill Cousins. He was an old-time logger and one of the smartest, wood-wise loggers I have ever run into. He was the one who would climb a 4 or 5 foot diameter tree, chop off limbs as he climbed, and then saw off the top at about 135 feet, swaying wildly from side to side as the top kicked away. He would then attach 'guylines', blocks, (you'd call them pulleys), and thread lines through the blocks. All this equipment was called the 'rigging', so he was called the 'rigger'.
The first day on the job, he asked my name. I said, "Les McMillan," and he said, "I'll call you 'Mac." I was 20 years old and looked about 16, an obvious greenhorn. None of the other 6 or 7 guys on the crew had any previous woods experience, so we were all greenhorns to Bill. We were rigging a spar tree, and after an hour or so, Bill called me over and said, "Hey, Mac, we need a hindu really bad, so would you drive my pickup in to camp, see the blacksmith, and tell him I need a hindu."
I wasn't a complete greehorn, and knew that the Hindu he asked for was not an East Indian gentleman. It was a small circle of 1/2 inch steel cable with a hook spliced in to it and was used to join two lines together. I had heard that this joke was tried on greenhorns sometimes, so I thought I would go along with it and have some fun with Bill.
I drove to camp, found the blacksmith and told him the story. He replied, "That old so-and-so, we'll get him good this time." We marched over to the cookhouse and asked the cook if we could borrow the second cook for an hour or so. After hearing the reason, he heartily agreed.
The second cook was a young Chinese fellow. We drove back to the work site, and as we got nearer I had the young lad scrunch down below the dashboard. As I drove up close to Bill, he hollered out, "Well, Mac, did you get that hindu for me? "I replied, with a straight face, "Gee, Bill, I couldn't find a Hindu anywhere in camp, so I brought you a Chinaman instead. Is that alright?" With that the young lad jumped out of the pickup with a huge grin on his face.
Bill exploded! His face turned red, his eyes glared at me, he threw his hardhat to the ground and shouted, "You rotten little so-and-so, you knew all along that I was playing a joke on you! I ought to kick your rear end for that!" I could see that old Bill had a temper, so I started backing away, saying, "Well, Bill, I guess the joke's on you now!"
By this time, the Chinaman and the crew were all laughing at this turn of events. Bill looked around and then he started to giggle, and then laughed and laughed and laughed. Wiping tears from his eyes, he said "You're right, Mac, I had it coming! I like you. You've got spunk and brains and a sense of humour. You are going to be my right-hand man from now on. I'm promoting you to 'Chaser' right now."
He then turned to all the crew, and told them, "Any time I am not here, Mac is in charge, and you damn well better listen to him or answer to me!" He also let me drive the crew bus, which gave me extra money also!
The lesson learned here is - don't be surprised if your 'trick' backfires on you. In this case it worked to my advantage!
Prestige, power, and extra pay, all because of a thing called a 'hindu'.

View the original article here

Read More...

Three Odd Christmas Characters

As far as old Santa goes, he isn't all that bad. He might be a little bit portly, stuck in his ways when it comes to what colour is the new black this year and far too eager when it comes to chimney burrowing, but so what? Behind his fluffy white beard is a jolly face, something you just can't knock. He also has an outlandish form of transport, and most importantly, delivers all our pressies on time like the gift-giving robo-trooper he is! And besides, some of the alternative Christmas characters are just plain unsavoury...1. Austria - Krampus
Think of Krampus as sort of a Father Christmas antithesis, a kind of festive devil if you will. Unofficially he's Santa's evil twin, charged with the unpleasant task of beating and punishing all the children who have misbehaved. This reprimanding may also stretch to the stuffing of 'bad' kids into a sack and fleeing into the black forest to eat them. Charming.
He has a night dedicated to him appropriately named Krampus Night, on which guys dress up in truly terrifying and fiendish outfits to drunkenly roam and rush around towns hitting people with sticks, surely that sounds worse than it is?! Although popular in Austria this Germanic tradition from the alpine regions is practiced throughout Hungary, Slovenia and Bavaria.
2. Iceland - The Christmas Cat
On the surface the Christmas Cat sounds like something positive and enjoyable and in keeping with the seasonal hi-jinks we all revel in every December. Unfortunately, especially if you happen to be an Icelandic kid, this isn't the case. Tradition in Iceland states that everyone at Christmas should receive a new item of clothing. If you did receive a new bit of kit, then you're fine, the Christmas Cat is not your concern.
However if you were unfortunate enough only to receive toys and videogames, trouble is coming... the Christmas Cat is going to eat you. How mean is this guy? It's not even your fault that you didn't receive a new hoody and yet you're the one going to be eaten! This Christmas Cat is pretty formidable too; large, vicious and owned by a family descended from trolls. The prospects don't look good...
3. Spain - El Caganer
You're not going to believe this entry courtesy of the Spanish. His name is El Caganer and he is generally found represented as a figure in nativity scenes. Originally he took the form of a peasant, on occasion a monk, though nowadays is represented by just about anyone.
What's so special about him you're thinking? Well, how can you put this delicately, forget it; I'm just going to say it. El Caganer is having a poo. Yup, in the nativity scene. If there is one saving grace he tends to be placed, discretely in most nativity set-ups, away from the manager, which is kind of reassuring. The name actually translates as 'The Great Defecator' and unbelievably isn't sacrilegious, apparently having him present is a sort of blessing for the coming harvest. Fertilizer I guess.
Who knew that Christmas had such a diverse range of colourful characters hidden in its festive spectrum? And this is only three!
David Games researches and writes about weird, quirky and novelty Christmas gifts for the online retailer Find Me A Gift.

View the original article here

Read More...

Thank (God) For Godless Holidays

The Community Made The Heavens And The EarthNow that the holidays are over, we can get back to the business of America. And thank God - no, strike that, thank the "community" - we have a president who understands what the business of America is (crony socialism, of course!).
But for a while there, between Thanksgiving and New Year's, the president had to contend with a bunch of "bitter clingers" in the U.S. who insist upon clinging to this romantic notion of an all-powerful being who (these rednecks claim) is the "reason for the season." Mr. Obama, though, schooled in places like Harvard University and Trinity Church in Chicago, knows better.
To hear the president tell it, we have the community (whatever that is) to thank for our very existence, not some mythical god. The whole Jesus thing makes for good commercialism, to be sure, and Obama does need a strong shopping season to bolster the perception of his economic policies. But this president is far more likely to deliver an appropriate address on the occasion of Muslim holidays than on those celebrated by the bitter clingers. I guess maybe he still needs that Middle East oil, too, while he continues to strive tirelessly to get us off the addiction with which we were hooked by George W. Bush.
Maybe God was not some all-powerful being, but a government worker in the creative department of the Bureau of Planetary Establishment. Over the centuries, the clingers have developed this whole mythology around His heroism, but really, he probably just created the Heavens and the Earth as part of a universal recovery and reinvestment act pushed-through by the ancient Demediacrats. Not only is there nothing special about America, the whole planet is probably just a standard-issue carbon-based habitat, created by a committee (community?) of which God was simply a GS-14 member.
And Christmas? Just His attempt to get His kid a job at the Bureau.
Oh, well, no matter. The important thing is that we spend lots of money during December, and then vote the way they tell us in November. Meanwhile, Mr. Obama's off to play golf in Hawaii. His wife and kids (who couldn't even take the same plane, possibly because it wouldn't cost us enough money if they waited a day or two to do that) are there too, hopefully exchanging lots of nice holiday presents. Beats having to hang around and listen to all these bitter clingers and their sentimental hogwash! One more term, the president probably figures, and he can finally get all the Christ out of Christmas, once and for all.
By the way, please, don't tell the Demediacrats that "holiday" really means "Holy Day." Once they ban that word, what in the world will we call Christmas? Community Day? Don't give 'em any ideas.
by Michael D. Hume, M.S.
Michael Hume is a speaker, writer, and consultant specializing in helping people maximize their potential and enjoy inspiring lives. As part of his inspirational leadership mission, he coaches executives and leaders in growing their personal sense of well-being through wealth creation and management, along with personal vitality.
Michael and his wife, Kathryn, divide their time between homes in California and Colorado. They are very proud of their offspring, who grew up to include a homemaker, a rock star, a service talent, and a television expert. Two grandchildren also warm their hearts! Visit Michael's web site at http://michaelhume.net/

View the original article here

Read More...