Number Ten
Ask-Question-Make-Assumed-Statement
I have never understood this type of crystal ball questioning. The query assumes an affirmative answer. Personally, there have been many times I really DO NOT want whatever is being offered to me. "You want Land Mines? We got Land Mines!" or "You want to swim with Candiru? Oh, I'll show you Candiru!" and "You want Ebola? I'll give you Ebola!" (substitute with AIDS, Bubonic Plague, or Meningitis as needed). If you ask me a question at least give me a five second grace period so I can say no and run like, like...well, run as fast as I can.
Number Nine
"Just let it marinate for awhile"
I suppose we should blame Will Smith for this one. While holding down a large, sweaty and hyperventilating Kevin James in the movie Hitch, Will Smith used this phrase to encourage a moment of reflection. But truthfully, he's the only one who is suave enough to use this expression and get away with it. More than likely Will Smith never says this in real life. He's too busy saying things like,"I ain't heard no fat lady!" and "Tha's what I'm talkin' 'bout." Letting something marinate should once again be relegated to soaking a piece of chicken in lemon, oil and garlic.
Number Eight
"We need to marry these two ideas"
This first time I heard this I thought it as an interesting way to think about bringing two opposing or different thoughts together. But the more I thought about it, the more I found issues with this particular idea. Any good marriage does have its share of compromising, but there are also some things that just do not lend themselves to flexibility. In addition, I have seen many married couples that do everything BUT compromise---for the most part living nearly separate lives. Given the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce, I am not sure the idea of marrying two ideas is a good one.
Number Seven
"Oh I went there"
This is one of those phrases that started on Jerry Springer and quickly spread in use to Soccer Moms all over America. They use it when they need to explain the use of obscenities toward the referee who removed little Johnny for roughness. "Sherri, I can't believe you actually said that." To which a now-transformed-Mrs. Cleaver snaps her fingers, bobs her head back and forth and says, "Oh, I WENT there!" I have no clue where she just went, but I beseech her, beg her and implore her to stop going there and above all desist from mimicking the idiots she spends all afternoon watching on TV. (To find out where she went, see Number Five)
Number Six
"Oh no he di nt!"
Note the lack of apostrophe after the letter d. This reflects the correct pronunciation and abbreviation of the words, "Oh no he did not." This is an alternate response a Soccer Mom could use in the aforementioned situation. For instance if she doesn't quite feel brave enough to actually go there but still wanted to show proper indignation at the incorrect call on little Johnny. Oh no he di nt must be accompanied by the mandatory head bob in addition to waving the index finger back and forth.
Number Five
"She was there for me" and "Been there done that"
Both of these are very similar because they refer to a "there" that is undefined. Being "there" for someone seems to be a colossal sign of support. No matter that this requires absolutely nothing from the person who is doing the "there-ing." For example: Phone rings---"I can't believe it! He just broke up with me! What am I going to do?" To which her bosom friend answers, "Don't worry girl, I'm there for you." This is huge. Being there for someone relieves you of any further responsibility. To complicate this matter further, a person who is there for someone, can also become tired of being so supportive and exclaim, "I'm tired a' all that! I was there for her but I just can't do that no more. Been there done that!" So the relationship between the "there" in the two statements are somehow interconnected. It sounds like the people who were there for someone and those who have been there and done that and even those who went there have all been living in the very same place---The Land of There.
Number Four
"Think out of the Box"
This saying surfaced as a result of an argument in a UPS shipping hub during the pre Christmas rush. There were three UPS workers feverishly working to pack and ship the allotment of packages for the day. One of the workers came upon a set of skis that needed to be sent across country, and became frustrated because there was no box big enough to fit.
"How am I gonna get these skis in a box?"
How 'bout cutting two boxes and puttin'em together?"
"You crazy? That'll never work."
"How 'bout putting them in this box here and whatever doesn't fit, we can just wrap in bubble wrap?"
"No, man! Think outa the box! Think outa the box!"
DING! And the saying was born. It was good for awhile and even pithy. It also assumes the user has the ability to think inside the box, which is often not the case. But it quickly lost its charm from overuse. To remedy this situation, we should just get rid of all of the boxes. How shall we eat the Chinese food? Think out of the box. Where can I find something to blow my nose with? Think out of the box. Where will the department store put all the shoes? Think out of the box.
Number Three
"What's he bringing to the table/party?"
I am positive I personally started this, but I was actually talking about food when I said it. I often go to parties that feature a potluck dinner. I'm always amazed at the direct correlation between those that eat the most and those that bring a chipped salad plate containing a few thin slices of a shiny cheese and a sleeve of saltines to share with a group of about 30. This usually prompts me to elbow a friend and whisper, "Hey! What did he bring to the party?" On one occasion the guest who had brought the pathetic cheesefood and crackers, overheard me and started using my remark to rate the unworthiness of potential dates, lazy colleagues, batty aunts and slick deal makers. Since gaining popularity, this question is usually asked by the person who is the least qualified or talented and therefore employs this expression in order to camouflage their own failures.
Number Two
"Let's make sure everyone is on the same page"
This annoys me on just the pure principle of forming an analogy to an object that most people don't even touch-given that one in four Americans have read NO books in the past year. The idea of an actual page is foreign to most people since they spend most of their time in mindless time-wasters like texting, facebook, video games, or watching the latest screaming match between snooki and whoever she fights with on that silly show (and no, I don't think she deserves a capital s for her fake name). Besides, a book is a hallowed object and I take great offense in using any part of it to relate to people who are too obtuse to understand the value of the printed page. Why not change this expression to "Let's make sure we are all on the same web-page?" I could live with that.
And Number One?
"Wait for it..."
Argh! Why should I wait for it? Not only do I have to listen to what is most likely a boring story, (because if it was interesting I wouldn't need to be told to wait for it, I would be doing just that) but now you want me to wait while you take a pregnant and dramatic pause. This leads me to believe what is going to follow is going to shake the world from its axis or at the very least I will be treated to the equivalent of the next I have a Dream speech. But no, it's some horribly trivial story of how first grader Kelly is, wait for it...an honor student! or how cute the baby looks when he spits up, wait for it...organic carrots! If you must use this weary expression then at least use it before saying something life changing as in, "No thanks I don't need a wedding favor instead, wait for it...I'm going to have to take your kidney" or anything at all to do with PETA and then, wait for it..."The world is ending."
Using original expressions and words to voice emotions is quickly becoming a lost art. I think my 92 year old father said it best. We were chatting about the woeful lack of variety in common everyday speech and the inability of people to express themselves. He summed it up nicely, "They're trapped--either in the bedroom or the bathroom."
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